BIO   The following craziness was written in 1997. This is the first time it's ever been published anywhere. The original spelling and format is left intact so that you may briefly comprehend the mind that is Dan Carey's ...

The Heavy Johnson Trio is on a mission to wrestle free from the clutches of the evil, ubiquitous world of post-grunge and pre-post-post-grunge music. Certainly an awsome task to consider. More daunting still is the challenge to rise above the pigeon holing that would have them live on as "The Village People of the New World Order." Sporting members from all known walks of life: the rastafarian, the Jamaican, the frat boy, and the ever elusive "whatever", somehow they manage to combine an eclectic mix of cultures, religions, and lifestyles to create their owwn distinctive sound. Like the villagers that precede them, they are true champions of the melting pot. However, this band differs drastically from that well known disco ewra band in that they do not (currently) have a cop or construction worker on their roster. A band Misunderstood: Josh Bass while possessing dreadlocks and an understanding of the tenants of rastafarianism, is, we are happy to inform his family, still a Jew. Eli Johnson, a strapping mysteriously dark young man is not actually from Jamaica although he's certainly got nothing against jerk chicken and will openly admit to inhaling. "Whatever" That's a word that has been used to describe Kota Kakutani, the asian axe grinder. Its a rather broad term. But then again so is asian. The fact of the matter this guitar genious holds Canadian citizenship and hails from Who gives a shit, Indiana. Perhaps frat boy is a misnomer for super sexy frontman Dan "Super Sexy" Carey. While hanging around with a greek crowd at times in college, Carey was never actually in a fraternity but says in his own words, "Keggers rule. One time I was at this party and there was parents there and everything. It was like some special parents day party. I got so wasted on the free booze. It wasn't even dark when I left and my roomate got so fucked up that he puked. He totally rallied and we got even more faced." "I think people assume that i am a frat boy because I have evolved beyond modern fashion. In a post-apocalyptic world, like the one we will be facing in several years, people will be happy as long as they are not naked. Some people will be happy just to have skin. I mean, give me a fucking break. I voted for Mondale in '88. I hate cops. It's just that I really don't look comely decked out in the standard chic meets retro trailer park garage sale clothing. In fact I look like some degenerate that lives in the trailer park."

Influences: blah blah blah blah Black Sabbath blah blah blah Melvins blah Judas Priest blah blah. WE have a great many records that we listen to. Dan likes the Smiths but no one else does. That's okay because we are all mautre enough to respect our differing opinions. I think that the band as a whole derives inspiration from the litany of songs that have previokusly been heard on planet Earth. They aspire to incorporate cool things from these songs and go out of their way to avoid paralleling those elements of music that are decidedly uncool. The result is their own brand of cool music. All members of the band are excellent kissers and patient lovers. Several, we won't spoil the mystery for you, have been known to be very, very, very, patient. They got their start as a political rock band championing the cause of animal rights, and while they no longer care at all about the rights of animals they still write songs about them. "Manatee", for instance is about the animal called the Manatee. The first line of the song , "Oh dear god look it's a Manatee", cleary establishes this point. Career highlights include getting a free drink at the Satyricon. I don't know why there's no sun up in the sky stormy weather. Can we make the metally music acceptable for the hipper, more savvy, better educated snobbish, fuck face having alternatypes who worship the cover of spin magazine. I bert Charlie Nims doesn't care. But I do. The aforementioned demographic has some hot ass chicks to offer. We make holes in teeth. Rock and roll needs to find itself. Music needs to be retrieved fro m the likes of gunhs nroses. Why should this be so difficult to understand. Rock and roll means to have sex. Sad rock and roll means to not have the sex but to be wanting it very badly. Or, it could be about something else like a car or a dog. But it should never be about how sad you are because you are confused or disenfranchised or whatever it is thsat yoiu are. However it could be about how sad you are if you are sad about something like a car or a dog. That would be acceptable. Formed in the early months of 1995. All musical elements had been together in various configurations for several years. All moved to Portaland from elsewhere. Everybody but Dan met at Oberlin College in Ohio. A school that has really been turning the rock roll: Bitch Magnet, USA American Cornhole, and the list goes on. Attempting to push the parameters of kick ass music over the cliff of critical style. Clothes continue to be a problem. We are working as hard as ever to dress properly. Hopefully Kota's new leather pants will do more for the band than just get him laid. We are the nicest band in Portland according to some people. ALways gracious, thoughtful, prompt, and attentive. Substance abuse? Manageable. Obsessive/Compulsive disorders? As of yet no positve diagnoses. That means good news for all of you out there planning on worshipping us into the next century. Oh, the highway is dark and road is a-windy I drive and I drive so my past will not find me. Nedaring my death as I steer towards tomorrow braNDING THE ASPHALT WITH MY TRACKS OF SORROW. OH WHEN OH WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN THE RIGHT WAY TO i LIVE DONT INVOLVE BEING BURNED I SEARCH AND ISEArxch and the road is a windy, hope that tomorrow won't find a way to find me. Oh that was real nice thank you friends.

 

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